


The Avenging Earl and Super Butler

by Idonquixote



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anime-based, Ciel and Sebastian are just embarrassing demons, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Demon Ciel Phantomhive, Gen, Humor, SHIELD, may or may not continue, the Avengers are cool people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-23 14:16:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2550566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idonquixote/pseuds/Idonquixote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was just another day in upper Manhattan for two century-old demons. Until Sebastian receives a letter from S.H.I.E.L.D. Naturally, he discards it. And naturally, Ciel, his brat of a master, has other plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this is crack, but there's no fun in treating it like crack. So here's a silly romp of what it'd be like if Kuroshitsuji took place in the same world as The Avengers. Mostly because I've been wondering lately what Kuro would be like as a Hollywood superpiece.

Times like these made Ciel Phantomhive nostalgic for a chef from long ago. Bard the cook was American, and now that Ciel had lived in America for over a year, he understood why Bard was the way he was: loud and dangerous. Ah, but the past was in the past. Two centuries had gone and went and before he knew it, he was in a new millenia. True, the plan was to stay in hell with Sebastian, his eternal enslaved devil, and mooch off souls that came their way.

But there were complications.

It turned out Hannah Anafeloz was not so powerful a demon so there would be odd moments where the imp found himself a human once more. He alternated between months, it seemed. One moment a bloodthirsty demon and one moment a cranky child. The only catch was Sebastian's inability to devour his soul, no matter the condition Ciel's body was in. And thus, the "late" Earl Phantomhive realized he had become one of those souls cast of out hell and heaven.

Great Britain bore too many memories the imp found painful and he had no intention of walking into people he knew. And so the duo spent a good many years traveling the world, living in France, Russia, China, Iran- all the while, still making business deals because Ciel needed money. Money, he realized, as long as he had it, he could live content, damned soul or not.

It had taken his butler ten whole years to fully accept the terms of their eternal contract and by 1901, Sebastian was back to his arrogant, morbidly cheerful self. Funtom had gone to the Middleford estate and had been run by Ciel's dear late Elizabeth's descendants since. That was, until one simpleton grandson, sold the company to a pompous businessman.

After the second war, Ciel decided that living in seclusion both in hell and on Earth was absolute boredom. He bought Funtom back under Michaelis' name. Renamed _Fun Works_ , the miniature demon raised it back to its former glory- toys, factories, and sweets- it was a very good use of time. The company was back in business and renowned once more by 1999.

And in the middle of 2012, the little devil moved headquarters from Paris to New York. A Tanaka who looked far too much like his beloved Tanaka was in charge of the Tokyo branch and a Liu who looked very much like his Lau was stationed in Shanghai. But the west was a frontier Ciel Phantomhive took on alone.

Only after moving to New York did Ciel realize something was... strange. Over the course of two years, the local news station had reported deployed terrorist superweapons, men made of sand attacking banks, electric mutants, super soldiers, a green clad individual with a god complex threatening to raze the Earth, what appeared to be aliens burning New York, and the like. Ciel could attest the last two were true; he had caught a glimpse of the monsters attacking New York, but he had been a demon that day and was confident in his ability to survive.

In a way, it reminded him of London in the late 1880s'- grim reapers running amok, curry contests gone haywire, fallen angels trying to burn London, demons fighting for souls, ghosts, occult attacks, and the like. It had been his job once a long time ago to keep those things in check.

Here, it was- the news called them "The Avengers" though what they were avenging, Ciel didn't quite understand. All he knew was that the Norse god Thor was among them (and yes, Sebastian had confirmed this), a super soldier from the 40s as well- Ciel remembered him- Captain America, they called him (Bard would have loved the man), a woman they called the Black Widow (thankfully, no real affiliation to spiders- Ciel and Sebastian couldn't stand those creatures), the head of Stark industries (Ciel had been seeking to deal with that company for quite some time, though he wondered why the man called himself Ironman if everyone knew his name was Tony), a bipolar scientist (Ciel could have sworn his name was Hyde but news sources called him the Hulk) and some archer whose name escaped the imp (Tony Hawk or something).

It was all very very bizarre. 

And although the presence of these "superheroes" (that was the term, he believed) were growing each day; just last week, Ciel caught a glimpse of that one they called Spiderman (unfortunately, very affiliated with those wretched spiders) swinging from the skyscrapers as he entered his office. And while he was observing the business meetings in the city, he caught a glimpse of Tony Stark holding the iron mask.

It was entertaining, to say the least, but Stark aside, none of it was of any concern of his.

Until now.

This month, he was a human boy, and Sebastian needed to buy him actual food. So while the butler went out for supplies, Ciel lounged about their penthouse, a private, lavish place that while no Phantomhive Manor, was still enough to be worth all that money. The "boy" saw something in the trashcan. He normally wouldn't bother, but a spurt of boredom forced him on.

It was a plain, beige envelope, crumpled by someone who was no doubt Sebastian. _Now why would you hide something from me?_

Ciel raised a curious brow. The letter was not addressed to the Phantomhive residence, which meant it wasn't spam, nor was it addressed at Fun Works or its head. It was addressed to _Ciel Phantomhive and Sebastian Michaelis_. He knew for certain the butler had no acquaintances who'd actually write to him. 

"Now, this is interesting," he muttered, dumping the contents out.

Ciel read and re-read the paragraph:

 

> _From the Desk of Director Nick Fury:_
> 
> _Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division_
> 
> _Washington, D.C._
> 
> _To Mr. Ciel Phantomhive and Sebastian Michaelis:_
> 
> _Do not be alarmed. For the past two years, our division has kept close tabs on you. It has come to my attention that the observations were exemplary, especially in the case of butler Michaelis. It would do me and this country a great service if you would meet with our division. We could have great use for a recruit of this caliber. Do not reply. I will send someone for you._
> 
> _Nicholas Fury,_
> 
> _Director (S.H.I.E.L.D)_

Ciel blinked.

What? That man was interested in them, or rather Sebastian? WHAT.

He laid the letter out on the table and stroked his chin. The fact that the letter had been addressed to himself as well meant whoever was watching them knew how inseparable the two were. But did that mean their identity as demons was also out? He tugged at his hair. But then Sebastian deemed this so insignificant he hadn't even bothered to tell Ciel. 

"Send someone for us!" he gasped. Would they have to murder this person to avoid meeting with Fury? Did they have to leave New York and Fun Works behind because of this man? 

He forced himself to calm down. He was once the Queen's watchdog. No reason to panic over some humans. _But they have a god on their side! Wait, Sebastian has fought gods before._

Perhaps in his observations of how odd Fury's gang was, Ciel had neglected to wonder how odd he and Sebastian were. So he thought back...

* * *

There was once a robbery in a bank while Ciel was making a deposit. Master and servant had been about to leave when the tank burst through the walls, masked men jumping off and demanding everyone freeze.

"How drab," the imp noted dryly.

The man operating the tank was laughing like a maniac as everyone about them screamed. He was going to shoot at the walls, likely crush a good number of terrified civilians, and then make off with the vault of money.

"Sebastian." But Ciel was in no mood for drama.

"Understood, sir."

The demon stepped in front of the tank with a look of disapproval on his pale face. 

"Oh, look here- someone's gonna play hero? That it, pal!?" the driver shouted, "what you gonna do-"

What Sebastian did was jump onto the tank, pry the top off with his bare hands, and lift the brute out with one swoop. Choking the man with one hand, he blocked the oncoming bullets from the former's companions with his other. They clattered harmlessly to the ground. And then he rather carelessly threw the man at the others. They fell in a disarrayed heap, watching helplessly as the butler destroyed the tank with his feet.

"Well, we shall be off now," the butler told them, returning to sweep Ciel into his arms as the rest of the bank burst into applause.

* * *

Another time Ciel had been human, stuck in a limousine that was about to collide with an exploding truck because some insane metal-clad giant was boasting about wanting the Avengers to show their faces. 

"Stay put, my lord!" Sebastian shouted from the driver's seat. 

Before Ciel could protest, the car swerved to the right and Sebastian leaped out of the door, flipping on his heels and caught the head of the truck with his gloved hands. The demon turned it the other way, forcing it to come to a screeching halt. From his view, Ciel saw the truck driver climb out clumsily, numbly clutching onto his butler. Sebastian smiled, but Ciel knew his face when irritated. Smirking, the immortal boy rolled down the windows. Now, this would be interesting.

Another series of shrieks sounded from the left, catching Sebastian's attention. He dropped the man and jumped towards the school bus, which was about to hit the truck's flames. Sebastian threw himself in front of it and caught the vehicle with his back. It slowly rolled to a stop and as if on cue, the STOP sign popped out just as Sebastian turned to smile at its driver.

"Show off," Ciel sighed.

And of course the giant man-metal-whatever it was, threw a tantrum on how his destruction had been prevented and why the Avengers didn't take him seriously and blahblah Ciel didn't take him seriously either.

"Now, sir, would you kindly leave the streets alone? You have greatly inconvenienced me," Sebastian told the man.

"The fuck do you think you are!?" was the roared reply.

"A Phantomhive butler, of course- now, I will ask one more time-"

One of those metal legs swung forward and Sebastian was smashed into the side of the burning truck, to many screams from onlookers. 

"Yeah, that's what you get-!" metal-man was shouting, when the butler emerged from the wreckage, a bit bruised and bloodied but nothing that wouldn't heal in a few minutes' time.

"I suppose manners are out of fashion these days," the demon said, dashing forward and delivering a kick to the metal torso.

It sent metal-man flying back and tearing down the traffic lights. But the idiot couldn't take a hint because he had jumped back to his feet, despite the cracks in the armor, and charged at Sebastian. The butler dodged, backflipped, and fell on the opponent, arms locking the metal neck. He snapped and the whole thing fell. Metal-man was a mess of screaming sparks.

It must have annoyed Sebastian because the demon crushed the suit with his foot and pulled out a soot-covered individual. He then threw the man into a wall. 

"The fu- fuck are you!?" non-metal man gasped.

"Me? I'm just one hell of a butler."

And like the show-off that he was, Sebastian bowed and turned to the gathering crowd. The applause was loud and the cheers even louder. Thinking back, Ciel should have realized Sebastian was hardly inconspicuous.

* * *

There was also that time they were waiting in a busy coffee shop on a busy morning. Ciel had been munching on a biscuit next to his butler, who was waiting on the boy's coffee, when some sobbing teen ran into the shop with a bomb tied to his chest.

"They made me do it! I don't got a choice!" he shrieked.

And of course the rest of the shop burst out shrieking. Ciel had only cast Sebastian one look from his one uncovered eye. The butler nodded.

"Stand back!" the demon said, arms outstretched. He walked in front of the teen who was cowering under a table.

Ciel supposed Sebastian wasn't quite in the mood to show off that day because all he did was crouch and rip the bomb off the boy's chest. 

"What are you doing, man? It's gonna go off on us!"

Sebastian crushed the bomb in his hands and let the pieces fall to the ground in a sizzling pile. He smirked. "I doubt that, young man."

The barista was looking at him, absolutely stunned. Sebastian walked back to her, the girl blushing as she shouted, "That was amazing, sir!"

"Thank you. Now, my master's coffee?"

It was then that Ciel noticed the various phones that were in the onlookers' hands. It simply hadn't occurred to the Victorian that this would go viral.

* * *

How could Ciel have forgotten that time metal-man broke out of jail? His first action was to attack the metropolitan subway. This time, Ciel hadn't been there- perhaps that was why. He only saw the clips that went online later. He had sent Sebastian to pick up a potential client, who just so happened to be a young woman who enjoyed public transportation.

The quality of the first video was too fuzzy for Ciel's tastes but it showed him the general chaos. Several people had been flung up and down and the police were faring rather badly. The second video showed Sebastian pulling their auburn-haired client from the tracks. She was shouting at him for something, no doubt some nonsensical foolish thing about the others trapped in the moving train.

The demon jumped onto the tracks and from what Ciel could see, pried the train doors open with his hands. Passengers were promptly tossed out and onto safe ground, each toss calculated as to avoid broken bones. Well, this would no doubt endear Fun Works to the missus.

The third video was of metal-man in a new and improved (and even more idiotic) getup, swiping at poles and tearing the station apart. Oh, and he had equipped guns this time. Sebastian stepped into his line of sight and the video blanked before looping again.

" _You_!" metal-man snarled, " _you- butler, I'll fuck you over!_ "

"I'm afraid that's my master's job." Did Sebastian just- Ciel grit his teeth.

Some shots were blasted at the demon, but Sebastian had disappeared in an instant. He popped up behind the brute, but it seemed metal-man was smarter this time around. Sebastian's blows were parried with one metal arm and the demon received a sharp blow to the torso. Metal-man must have held this grudge for a long time.

Ciel tried to restrain from laughing when Sebastian was blasted into the abandoned train. The screams increased within the video. Metal-man pounced on the demon and seemed determined to rip him apart. As entertaining as watching Sebastian pounded was, Ciel was rather looking forward to how his butler would finish this off.

Metal-man was kicked off the demon. Sebastian jumped up, the tailcoat in ruins, his face covered in bruises and blood, and flung a series of knives at him. The knives dug into the armor and when metal-man hit the ground, they formed a cage around him. Sebastian ripped off the ruined tailcoat and threw himself at the trapped enemy.

The video shook- apparently whoever had taken it was applauding- and when focus returned, only scrap metal was left. Metal-man was nude and his head was squished under Sebastian's foot. The butler wiped sweat from his brow and cleaned the blood from his lips. The bruises were gone.

"The fuck is wrong with you?" the man groaned.

"I told you already. I'm just one hell of a butler." Sebastian smirked, looking a little too happy among all that cheering and attention.

* * *

Then there was that time the Brooklyn Bridge had nearly collapsed with Ciel on it, so Sebastian had swooped down, caught Ciel and every other falling individual, mostly because it was more convenient to do that than simply dive for Ciel.  

And once some lunatic made of sand had attacked the streets of New York while Ciel was returning home. Sebastian had fought and won, with some minor damage to his uniform, but the important part was that they made it home before traffic set in.

Mutant zombies plagued the city once, but before they could touch Ciel and his employees, Sebastian had shown up and eradicated the bunch with a golf club.

Sebastian single-handedly defeated a mafia gang when they came looking for Ciel.

He defeated the same gang when they threatened a woman in an alleyway- or rather, the woman's cat because Sebastian wouldn't have cared otherwise.

Metal-man broke out of jail a second time and proclaimed "the black butler" his arch enemy, having forgotten about wanting the Avengers' attention. This time, he had taken to yanking Ciel from his office and parading in broad daylight. And once again, he had been no match for Sebastian.

Come to think of it, maybe Fury didn't need to send someone to observe them after all. The Phantomhive butler hardly made an effort to stay low-profile. They had acted this way in 1889 so it simply never occurred to Ciel that things would be different in the 21st century. 

* * *

When Sebastian returned with a dose of expensive groceries, it was to the sight of a smirking imp. He knew that look and he didn't like it. The older demon set the supplies down and removed his black coat.

"Is everything all right, young master?"

"Yes, quite all right."

"Then I will start making preparations for tonight's din-"

"Will we be having a guest?"

Sebastian stiffened. There was a mocking tone to the young master's voice and the imp only ever used it when he was about to play a horrid prank. "No, no we will not."

"Are you so sure, Sebastian?"

Ciel left his spot on the couch and reached for the letter on the coffee table. "Now, what's this I hear about shield?"

Hadn't he gotten rid of that? Sebastian forced the rage down. "Nothing of note, milord." 

He had no intention of being involved with those humans and their strange ideals. This was not his world, not his city, not his cause- it was laughable that anything had come his way. Now, if Fury had offered more souls for him to devour, that would be a different story but-

"You know, Sebastian, I'm feeling nostalgic nowadays. Sometimes I even miss being Victoria's watchdog."

Oh no. Ciel Phantomhive would not force him to-

"But here we have a chance for more adventure in this boring existence."

"Young master, please-"

"This is an order: entertain Nicholas Fury and his shield. Besides, I believe he wears a nice eyepatch." The little master chuckled. "Congratulations, Sebastian- you're a superhero."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to popular demand, I've decided to continue this piece of crackery! Thanks for all the support. I hope this chapter is just as funny as the last.

Sebastian didn't take the news well. Which was the exact reaction Ciel wanted. It brought a deep sense of pleasure within in him just to see the other demon restrain from twitching- Sebastian must have been burning on the inside, but alas, their eternal contract prevented him from actually doing anything about it. Come to think of it, it had been at least a decade since Ciel last pranked his butler. 

This should be a refreshing change for both of them. And to be honest, the former earl was _bored_ of this existence. How could anyone live for thousands of years and not be bored? It had been two hundred some years and Ciel Phantomhive wanted to be back in action. Neither butler or master made any more comments regarding the letter from Fury, though Ciel could have sworn Sebastian made his coffee a tad more bitter and shot the immortal child a glare when he wasn't looking.

Well, Sebastian had always been a sore loser. 

It wasn't until a good two weeks after the issue of Nicholas Fury's letter that the incident went buried in the back of both their minds. As a matter of fact, Ciel was more concerned with branching Fun Works into the military industry; it seemed that it was marginally harder for a sweets and toy factory to do deals with weapon factories in this day and age. At the moment, he was in his private study, a dated photo of sixty-five year old Elizabeth Middleford on his desk, a pile of paperwork before him. Toys R' Us had a new line of orders, but he was considering cutting ties with them. That store may have been big in 1994, but in 2014, Ciel could see its potential decline.

What he needed was some company like Apple to come and work with Fun Works on a digital app. _Hm, that's not so bad an idea._ As Ciel prepared to jot the note down, the doorbell rang, a sharp, electric buzz that echoed far too loudly for the demi-imp's taste.

He had no idea who it could possibly be. The bell only rang every few moons, and it was usually a girl scout, a talky individual asking for charity donations, or some prostitute arriving at the home of the wrong wealthy bachelor. No matter, Sebastian would handle it. Ciel went back to jotting his notes and reviewing paperwork, the bright screen of his computer shining (he preferred old fashioned pen and paper, but it seemed that his associates were all children who couldn't live without technology). 

"Young master," Sebastian addressed from behind the door, with a heavy knock.

"What is it?" Ciel called, setting down his pens and leaning back against the far-too-large armchair.

"It appears we have some guests. You do remember the aforementioned S.H.I.E.L.D, do you not?"

Immediately, the boy reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a spare eyepatch. He had barely finished tying it over the contracted eye when the door to the study opened and Sebastian stepped in, followed by two individuals Ciel had almost forgotten about.

"Sir, I present to you the director of S.H.I.E.L.D, mister Nicholas Fury and his... agent, mister Barton."

Ciel stared at Fury for a good moment with his one eye as the latter stared back with _his_ one eye. Nick Fury was every bit as intimidating as the media made him out to be, tall and statuesque in a pitch black coat, his face drawn with absolute seriousness. Beside him was the Avenger whose name Ciel honestly did not remember- he was the individual who showed too much skin and fired arrows or whatnot. Something to do with a bird... hawthorne... tony hawk... birdman... batman... something...

Ciel sat up just a tad straighter. Fury may have presence, but Ciel Phantomhive had just as much, if not more. He extended a hand.

"Ah, of course. To what do I owe the pleasure, Director Fury?"

The dark man gave him a firm shake. "I believe you know the answer to that, Mr. Phantomhive." 

"Sebastian, prepare some chairs for our guests."

"Yes, my lord."

While Sebastian busied himself with furniture, Ciel found himself under the scrutiny of that Barton, with pale confused eyes. The man tugged at the collar of his leather jacket, looking rather apathetic to the situation, but Ciel knew he must have been interested as hell.

"Is something the matter, Mr. Barton?" Ciel asked with a smirk.

Barton stared before letting out a half-sigh. "You took me by surprise. That's all. They told me you were young-"

"But not this young?"

Barton smirked then. "We both know you're far from young, Ciel."

Ciel frowned. He didn't take kindly to being addressed by his first name. That and he didn't like the meaning behind Barton's words. By then, Sebastian had returned and the guests had sat down. Ciel waved a hand to dismiss him but was stopped by Fury.

"I need him to stay."

"Fine. Sebastian, come by me."

With the formalities out of the way, Fury began to speak, Barton nodding at each interval. "I'll be forward with you, Mr. Phantomhive. We don't know what you are. What I do know is this- you're the same earl that died in 1889 and your butler's never changed. What I do know is that you protected London and did a damn near good job. And now, whatever is going on with you two now, the division could use it."

"Those are firm accusations, director," Ciel said.

"But am I wrong?" And Fury cast him that knowing look again. Annoyed, Ciel said nothing.

"You don't have to tell me anything, but trust me on this: if you become part of S.H.I.E.L.D, we _will_ find out and we will say nothing. If you choose not to, we will find out and we will do _something_. I know what your butler can do and I know what you can do. What I need to know is if you're willing to be friend or foe."

"Director, you're rather confident in your division, aren't you?" Sebastian asked, a flash of red building in his eyes.

"And your master's pretty confident in you, isn't he, butler?" Barton rebuked.

 "No matter!" Ciel snapped, glowering at hawkman. "Now, director, understand that Sebastian Michaelis acts under my orders and mine alone. Nothing will change that. So the question is... if I choose to join your cause, what means of compensation will you offer?"

And that little smile returned to his lips. Fury nodded, as if expecting this. The man leaned forward, placing his own hands on the desk. "This isn't exactly a daytime job, Phantomhive. You either do it... or you don't."

"Then allow me to tell you what I want." Ciel met the man's gaze, not fazed in the least. "I will not permit anyone to hold more power over my butler than myself. Whatever proceeds you gain from Sebastian's services, a generous cut will go into my bank. And we act on our terms, not yours."

"I take it Sebastian has nothing to say about this," Fury said, a statement, not a question. But Ciel couldn't resist a rebuke: "Hawken there isn't the most talkative either."

"I can tell you're interested, Phantomhive. Maybe you just need more incentive. This isn't a charity- it's a matter of national security. I'll do whatever it takes to secure this nation's safety. There's a car waiting outside. We'll finish this deal in _my_ office."

"I don't see why not." With that, Ciel stood up. 

"And it's Hawkeye," Barton mumbled. 

* * *

The car ride was short, quick, and awkward. Barton had been judging the demons the entire ride and Fury did nothing but explain what the division was about and how S.H.I.E.L.D recruited an assembly of troubled people who blahblah could work for the state instead of against and blahblah he missed Queen Victoria blahblah or before he found out she murdered his family at least blahblah the Avengers were only one division blahblah-

"What exactly are you avenging?" Ciel asked at last when they arrived at Fury's headquarters, a building as big, secluded, and steely as he would imagine, with far too many DNA checkpoints and guards and lasers and robotics than he knew were possible.

"The people," was all Fury said.

_You're as clear as Undertaker!_

The director had lied- they didn't go to his office. Ciel and Sebastian found themselves led to some strange lounge which looked surprisingly relaxing in contrast with the rest of the place. And sitting on a long couch, his legs stretching over its length, eyes glued to a smart phone in his hands, was the head of Stark Industries. He really did have a bright circle on his chest. And he really was the only Avenger Ciel wanted to meet.

"I have someone who'd really like to meet you," Fury said to Stark.

"I came all the way here for this," the latter replied, not looking up, "this guy better be worth it."

"Mr. Stark, I assure you it will very much be worth it," Ciel said sweetly, coming to stand over Stark, annoyed at the man's blatant nonchalance. But if his being here meant anything, it meant the deal with Fun Works was sealed. So there would be another perk to this venture.

"Hold on." Stark looked up at last, "you're a _boy_?" And then an almost sarcastic chuckle came out. "Welcome to the freakshow."

And with that, the boy's demeanor changed. "Are you planning on working with Fun Works or not?" he demanded.

"Some attitude you got there, kid." 

"I could say the same for you."

"Arguing with a kid- now that's new." Stark sat up and looked over Ciel's head. "And this is the black butler? You're the whitest cracker I've ever seen."

"Are you quite done with these inane remarks, Mr. Stark?" Sebastian said, "please answer my master's question."

"Fine... so kid, what's the magic word?"

"I don't have time for this banter," Fury snapped, "I swear, every time, it's always you that starts something, isn't it."

"Fine, okay okay- just a joke. You Brits can't seem to understand humor. Yeah, kid, your butler joins the party- you've got a deal. One plus one equals two, easy as pie."

"Well, then, director, where do we sign?" Ciel asked, turning away from Stark, the two having exchanged a final glower. Tony Stark reminded him far too much of someone else, another brash, young business owner with indispensable wealth and a terrible superiority complex... he wondered who that could be.

* * *

**When Fury and Barton were invited to dinner, Sebastian met them at the door with a subtle frown. Fury's suit was decent enough, but Barton's attire had not changed in the least. "A good gentleman will make an effort to dress for the occasion, when invited to dine with an earl," he said in mildly tones that were somehow more scathing than shouted profanity. "You might at least wear a tie..."

Without a word, Barton reached into his pocket, and pulled out a garishly colored clip-on tie.

Sebastian gave a flinch that turned into a sustained full-body shudder, and then stepped aside and let him in.**

The young master had signed a contract with Fury already back in their headquarters, with a heavy flourish of the pen, and the arrogant promise that his butler would put the entire division to shame, especially Tony Stark. In fact, as they were escorted home, Ciel had ordered Sebastian to be better than the man who insulted them so gravely back there. The master's exact words were something to the effect of "children these days, brattier than ever!"

Of course, the latter half of the contract remained to be signed by Sebastian, who was very wary of contracts, seeing as how his last one ended (it didn't). And he really would rather be playing with the cats of New York and petitioning for a rerun of the musical "Cats" (it was no secret that he had come close to sobbing when Cats closed on Broadway) than running errands for S.H.I.E.L.D. He would sign the contract tonight, the dinner an excuse for Ciel to observe Fury more. Actually, they hadn't invited Barton at all. Fury had simply brought him.

And so Sebastian found himself preparing a five-course meal for three, unable to look at Barton's tie without flinching. Half-way through the meal, in a complete lack of aristocratic etiquette, Fury thrust the paperwork on the table and called for Sebastian. "Michaelis, I believe you're ready."

"Actually-"

" _Sebastian_ ," Ciel chided.

"I would be happy to."

Sebastian signed each page, aware that Barton was staring all the while with a look that said _I don't this is a good idea- I don't trust these two_. The demon thought those were pretty accurate thoughts. When he finished the last page, he found Fury's eyes assessing him, though thankfully not in a sexual manner.

"Well, now that that's out of the way, I'll have to rename my newest agents."

"We're find with our names," Ciel said.

"Don't interrupt me, Phantomhive. I have a system to follow."

"I thought they were calling me the black butler," Sebastian informed him, "I find it a fitting name."

With a sigh, Fury gestured for Barton to pull out an ipad. How long he had been hiding it was beyond Sebastian. Without a word, Barton presented them with a series of material from the internet. Sebastian's scuffle with that metal-clad idiot was on every page, some news articles, some blogs, and many pictures titled "meme" which strange subtitles ("One Hell of a butler" "Gets called black butler... white guy" "Gets blown up with cannon... Kicks ass" "Butler... does cop's job.. and better at it too"). Then there was that series of online clips featuring the butler's various escapades (hm, he hadn't recalled so many people around him), a few talkshow hosts calling him a piece of hot work (well, they weren't lying, in his opinion).

"It's a little too prevalent at this point," Fury said, "and I don't want to associate this"- he pointed at the "meme"- "with my division."

"Fair enough," Sebastian answered.

"We could call him the raven, or the crow," the young master suggested. How original.

"We'd run into copyright issues." Fury stroked his chin. "How about-" He sized Sebastian up once more.

"Tailcoat."

Fury stood up and extended a hand. "Welcome to the team... Tailcoat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you had a good time with this chapter too.
> 
> ** This was a scene suggested/written by Kimberly T and her idea was brilliant so of course it had to be included
> 
> Next time: Ciel and Sebastian meet the rest of the team and maybe our favorite green-clad god will cameo
> 
> And show of hands: how many of you would like Sebastian's arch-nemesis (AKA metal-man) to break out of jail again?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the crack continues. It gets crackier as time goes on and I have no explanation.

"My lord, your schedule is very busy as it is-"

"It's fine."

"I just think it would be more prudent to-"

"We're going."

"But what about-"

"Sebastian, shut up."

Ciel rested a cheek on his palm, the matter settled at last. Sebastian was still standing at the study doorway, as if hoping the demi-imp would miraculously change his mind. _What an idiot_. Of course Ciel would never give him the satisfaction.

"Go back to your buttling. We _are_ going back S.H.I.E.L.D tomorrow and you _are_ taking that test. It's not like you'll fail." 

Besides, Fury had informed them the rest of the Avengers were quite eager to see Sebastian- or rather Tailcoat, in action. Which meant Stark would be there. The pen almost snapped in Ciel's hand. Somehow he wouldn't be surprised if this was Stark's idea. Well, two could play at that game.

"May I speak, young master?"

"What?"

Sebastian cleared his throat. "All this effort you're putting in. It's a bit... unhealthy."

Ciel glared at him. So what if he had been staying up all night stalking Stark's records? What if he had spent millions on hacking? What if he had been ignoring Tanaka and Liu in favor of this? So what if he had invested in a heat-resistant, cold-resistant, plasmic suit for himself? What if he had been fitting a variety of large goggles over his head? What if had been abusing a punching bag Sebastian procured in the 1950s? What if he had been calling himself the Avenging Earl? _So what?_

"You don't know anything, Sebastian! Go back to work."

"Yes, my lord."

With an amused chuckle, Sebastian turned his back and disappeared. Damn him! The butler always did have a way of making Ciel feel small. Then again, Ciel was physically small and literally younger than Sebastian by thousands, if not millions of years. But that didn't give him the right to make Ciel _feel_ small. Yes, there would be no more cats allowed in their garden. That should teach Sebastian his place.

* * *

The young master strolled into headquarters like it was Phantomhive manor. In other words, he did _very_ arrogantly. While still human- Sebastian could only imagine what hell would raise once the month ended and the boy became a demon once more. To his mild irritation, Fury was nowhere to be seen. Instead, he and Ciel were led in through the usual robotics and scans and secret doorways by a succession of stony suited individuals.

Eventually, they were forced to stop in a relatively vast dark area, lit by dim green lights and surrounded with cameras of the suspicious like. And that led into another room, one sealed off by a glass wall. It looked rather like a sports court inside, but neither demon doubted it was hiding some "marvelous" surprise.

"You made it, Tailcoat?" 

Barton stepped into the room, a smirk playing at his lips, followed by those colorful individuals Sebastian could only assume were the Avengers. The woman with a head of tousled red hair was first to greet them. 

"Natasha Romanov." 

She took Ciel's hand first before moving onto Sebastian's. The demon had hoped it would end at that, but no such luck. Tony Stark approached next, arms crossed, dressed a little too casually in comparison to Romanov's skin-tight, skin-covering suit. There was a haughty gleam in his eyes, one Sebastian suspected that was meant for him more than the young master.

"We meet again, pipsqueak," he said, clapping Ciel on the shoulder.

The former earl froze. Sebastian half-expected the young master to tackle Stark then and there. Instead, Ciel's shoulders relaxed. The eternal boy nodded. "It's a pleasure, Mr. Stark."

 _I wonder what you're planning, my lord._  

The next man to step up didn't have a familiar face. But there was something recognizable about him- had Sebastian seen him before? On television? Some magazine? He was bespectacled. 

"Dr. Bruce Banner," he introduced quietly, taking Ciel's hand before Sebastian's. _Oh, so he's the green one._

There was a glint of interest in Banner's eyes- Sebastian supposed he was curious of the young master's biology. Well, if the boy was dissected, there would be nothing inside but tea, cake, arrogance, and a soul that would never be his. Oh well. 

The last to finish introductions was a man who could have walked out of a 40s moving picture. Captain America was the first of the group to actually smile. His blue eyes did not contain any ulterior motive.

"Steve Rogers. You must be Ciel Phantomhive." He stooped to shake Ciel's hand. 

Sebastian imagined his talking down to the young master would mortify the latter. But Ciel seemed, against character, to be enjoying the attention.

"It's an honor, Captain Rogers," the boy said, in a tone so sickeningly sweet that Stark's eyes widened. To top it off, Ciel flashed Captain Rogers a wide smile, one that reached from ear to to ear and dazzled every adult at hand (save Sebastian).

"What in the-?" Stark mouthed. Sebastian smiled in return. 

"Likewise," Roger said to Ciel with an equally bright beam of his own. And thus the captain was caught in Ciel's devious trap, whatever it may be.

"Might I ask," Sebastian started, "where the god of thunder is?"

"Interdimensional travel has its ups and downs," Stark said, "and he's not a divine creature, you know."

Sebastian frowned. "Really? You speak that way about the son of Odin all the time, master Stark?"

"I can't believe I'm hearing this." With a roll of his eyes, Stark ended the conversation. Sebastian found that rather rude.

"Enough chatter," Romanov cut in, "Michaelis, follow me."

She actually reminded him a bit of Lady Frances just then. Which was why Sebastian immediately swallowed whatever retort he had and did as he was told. Behind him, he could hear the young master laughing innocently at whatever joke Rogers had attempted. 

* * *

From behind the glass wall, Ciel watched Sebastian stand in the center of that court. He could tell the other demon was bored, but he suspected it wouldn't be for long. The others were crowded beside him, staring at the scene. The lights went on on the other side of the glass and Fury's voice came through some projector:

_"I'm glad you came, Tailcoat."_

"The pleasure is mine, director," Sebastian said with a bow. 

"He's not going to fight in that, is he?" Stark asked with a snort, indicating the aforementioned tailcoat.

"Yes, he is. And he always has," Ciel snapped back.

"With kid gloves?"

"I don't see the problem, Mr. Stark."

"White stains too easily," Romanov said, "believe me. I've tried."

"And a tie?" Stark continued, still not grasping the concept that yes, Ciel frequently sent his butler off into battle dressed as just that, a butler. Was that so hard to understand?

"I see none of you are confident. Captain Rogers, what do you think?"

Rogers furrowed his brows. "Well, doesn't look like it's easy to move in that. But I would never underestimate anyone."

Ciel cast him a smile. "Thank you, captain."

That pleased Rogers. Ciel could sense Stark's agitation. In truth, he had stalked Stark long before this and he knew well enough that there was an invisible rivalry between him and Rogers. Which meant it would do Ciel a great service to have Steve Rogers on his side. It annoyed Stark, if nothing else.

"Is anything going to happen-" Ciel began, before Banner cut him off with a soft wave of the hand. The doctor was intent on seeing Sebastian through.

"I designed it," he said, "he should have a nice workout with it."

"We, actually," Stark corrected, flashing Ciel a hint of a grin. 

* * *

Sebastian had first encountered the whir of a chainsaw in 1888, no small thanks to a flamboyant grim reaper- one Grell Sutcliff who the thought to be rid of in 1889. As it turned out, said reaper managed to keep his job and continued bothering Sebastian throughout the 1900s. It wasn't until he left England that he was finally rid of Sutcliff. He supposed it was because of Grell that he never liked slasher films or construction tools.

Which was why he immediately frowned and braced himself for defense when the familiar whir sounded above him. To his relief, it was not a death scythe. Or Grell. Instead, three spinning discs were rushing at him from north, east and west, sharp edges ready to slice anything in their path. 

_"I hope you're not worried, Tailcoat."_

"I would never dream of it, director," the demon replied, tilting his head to avoid a graze to the nose. One hand shot out to grab the next disc, catching it as it spun and clenching until it rolled to a harmless stop. He pried it off its handle and tossed it in the way of the remaining disc. As expected, both halted.

"After all," he said, inspecting the blackened white gloves, "what kind of butler would I be if I could not even do this?"

_"Well, you'd be dead for one thing."_

A row of fire exploded from the east wall. Sebastian jumped aside to avoid being engulfed in the flames, only to find himself in the way of rapidly moving pillars from the west, each intent on crushing the ground. He side-stepped each pillar, kicking at the flames that continued to pour out. At that point, pellets started raining from the ceiling, much like the rapid gunfire of one trigger happy cook.

Sebastian dashed behind a pillar, the tailcoat taking the most damage, little holes singing the tails. "Now, that's unfortunate."

An explosion sent him flipping over a pillar. Perched on the moving object, he lifted the damaged tails once more, catching the raining bullets with his free hand. "Tsk, tsk. This simply won't do." A Phantomhive butler always kept a sewing kit in his person, and that is precisely what Sebastian did.

He slid down the pillar, pulled the kit out, thrust the jacket off, and began his repairs, all but dancing his way through the pillars. The walls closed in. The flames roared. Sebastian suspected it'd please the young master if he put on a grand finale to this show. The demon sucked in a breath, turned, and blew. The fire swirled towards the pillars, burning them in their tracks. 

Sebastian didn't bother to block the continuous barrage of bullets. He dodged when he could in his leaps upwards, shrugging off the few that did manage to hit their mark. Landing a kick on the ceiling, he pried the bullets out and thrust them at one particular spot. 

* * *

"Ciel Phantomhive... I'm impressed," Banner said, eyes locked on the scene before them. Sebastian was standing in the center of the court, one hand over his chest as an artificial drizzle doused him. What a show-off.

"Well, he _is_ my butler."

Ciel suspected Stark would be reluctant to compliment Sebastian's grand display. He was rather proud of his hellhound. And the others were probably too stunned by the sewing kit to say much. From the other side of the court, a wall slid open and Fury walked in. While he spoke with Sebastian, Ciel turned his attention towards Rogers.

"What did you think, captain?"

Rogers laughed. "I- he passed the test, if that's what you want to know."

"I'm sure there's nothing he did that you couldn't do."

"I'm a soldier, not a butler. So you might be wrong there, Ciel." _First-name basis now? Oh, this is going better than I expected._

"I remember the War... Sebastian and I did nothing. I suppose by then, I no longer felt British- human, for that matter." He smiled shyly, purposely eyeing Rogers. "It's a source of deep regret. And I remember you- brave, admirable."

And the final line: "You're my hero, Captain Rogers."

Rogers looked genuinely moved. Stark looked like he was going to gag. The other three were too busy gluing themselves to the glass wall. 

Rogers put a hand on the half-imp's shoulder, an affectionate paternal gesture. It seemed he had forgotten that Ciel Phantomhive was a good hundred years older than he. "Ciel, I believe in second chances."

"Thank you." Ciel beamed again.

"Oh give me a break! Cap, the brat's playing you," Stark said, unable to take any more of this.

"If looking at the good side of humanity means being played, then yes, I'd rather be played," Rogers retorted.

"You're impossible."

Ciel chose that moment to walk away from them. Sebastian was being herded out of the court to rejoin him, Fury at his heels. The butler came out unscathed. The uniform however, was wet, burnt, cut, and bloodied. Banner was first to shake the demon's hand again, congratulating him on the exercise and excitedly asking about the physics he employed to his advantage. Sebastian was happy to answer, no doubt enjoying the chance to bask in attention.

"Welcome, Michaelis," Romanov said, lips quirking slightly. 

"I think you mean 'Tailcoat,'" Barton added, shaking the demon's hand a second time too.

"I thought the sewing was a bit tacky," Stark said.

"You're not one to talk about tackiness," Fury interjected, steering Sebastian toward Ciel, "now I can't say I was impressed. Entertained, definitely. But I got what I wanted. Thank you for that. Now there's another matter to discuss."

"Go ahead," Ciel said, expecting another spew about morality and justice and grey lines and whatnot.

"You can't be Tailcoat if the tails are ruined all the time," Fury said instead.

"So what would you have me do, director?" Sebastian asked, hiding the annoyance in his voice.

"Clearly, that uniform's not going to cut it. S.H.I.E.L.D will get you something more durable, preferably with tails."

"I don't think-" Ciel was about to say.

"It's not an option," Fury said. Both one-eyed males stared each other off.

There was a (definitely clever) reply on the tip of Ciel's tongue and he had no doubt it would have silenced Fury. He just happened to be interrupted by a flying hammer. A flying hammer. A very large hammer. That flew. It was flying.

And it promptly slammed into the Phantomhive butler, the other failing to react in time, which was an impressive feat in Ciel's book. Sebastian skid a good few feet away before coming to a confused stop, flat on his back. He flashed Ciel an apologetic look, a rather mocking one though. A flash of gold and red tackled the butler next. Ciel caught his first glimpse of the thunder god in person. And his face with a picture of divine wrath, muscles tightening as he yanked Sebastian's collar. 

The wrath then stopped and gave way to confusion.

"You... are _not_ Loki!" he cried, as if it was a surprise. 

"I'm afraid not," Sebastian sighed.

"The new recruits," Fury answered for the thunder god's sake, "not much trouble yet." From his tone, it sounded like this happened every day. Ciel wouldn't be surprised if it did.

Still suspicious, the armored man removed himself from Sebastian's person. He lifted an arm in greeting at the rest of his team before his eyes landed on Ciel. The half-imp had met a lot of creatures over the years, but he had never crossed paths with the gods of the North. Until now. For some reason, he had been expecting Thor to be larger than life, a replica of those paintings from his own time. He was a _little_ disappointed that the god was the same size as the depiction on the news screen. 

"I'm Ciel Phantomhive," the boy greeted, not sure if he should shake hands or not. Sebastian was still on the floor.

They didn't shake hands. Instead, Ciel's hand was pumped and nearly crushed by the force of the god's grip. "Thor, son of Odin."

Letting go, the god stooped and inspected Ciel. He pursed his lips and looked at the team, very confused. "But why would you want creatures like this?" he asked.

"Beats me," Stark said. Ciel glared.

"Intentions so impure, an essence so dark, surely they will bring nothing but havoc," Thor continued, "that one even _looks_ a little like my brother." He pointed at Sebastian, who was still pinned by the hammer.

"So what's wrong with them?" Banner inquired, genuinely curious.

Thor looked at him like he was a child asking how to tie shoelaces (though in Ciel's opinion, it was easier said than done). "They are entities of evil. What do you call it? Demons!"

"They aren't demons," Stark said, "just another one of those dimensional persons."

"No, actually Master Odinson is correct," Sebastian stated, "we are demons. Of the Biblical variety."

"Uh-huh."

"What they are shouldn't be the problem. It's what they do," Rogers said, heroic as usual.

"You're really something, you know that?"

At that point, Romanov must have had enough of the banter because she snapped her fingers and pointed at Sebastian. "So are we going to leave him there?"

"Sebastian," Ciel ordered, "get up."

"Young master, I... can't."

"What do you mean you _can't_?"

"He really can't," Barton informed them, "not unless someone 'worthy' removes Mjolnir." Ciel supposed that was the hammer's name. And he couldn't very well help his butler since he was quite sure neither of them were worthy, whatever that meant. 

"Give me a moment," Thor said with a chuckle, lifting a hand.

"Wait."

Ciel suddenly had an idea, an ingenious idea. He walked toward Sebastian, squatted and pulled something out of his own pockets. The shiny smart phone he rarely used, but this was a golden opportunity. "Smile, Sebastian." 

Ciel Phantomhive took his first selfie, and Sebastian Michaelis smiled a smile that was almost a frown under the famous Mjolnir. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the cracky train ride!
> 
> Next time: Ciel gets his first business deal, Sebastian hangs up the uniform, Odinson brother #2, and a few rampages


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this crack piece is almost over now. I hope it's been a funny romp and that this chapter is just as entertaining as the last! This time, another character gets a cameo.
> 
> I think by now, I should rephrase the summary: the Avengers are cool, Sebastian is an embarrassing loser who thinks he's cool, Ciel is an embarrassing nerd who thinks he's cool

Ciel read Stark's email for the upteenth time, gritting his teeth trying to formulate a reply. It was a one-paragraph proposal on a joint product between Stark Industries and Fun Works: the "fun gun" so aptly named by Stark. The man's plan was to design a harmless child's toy, one that could also pass as a defense weapon. Of course, the only barrier would be how seriously anyone would take the project. Fun Works would agree to take all the blame should it come to a humiliating end.

"Well, I think you're a petulant little knave, Antony!" Ciel growled.  _Kids these days!_

He crossed his arms, leaning back in his armchair. Sebastian wasn't around to listen to him complain, unfortunately. The older demon had been in and out of Fury's headquarters for the past weeks. Sebastian seemed to be under the impression that joining SHIELD obligated him to be their butler too. Ciel had caught him returning home on many an occasion carrying an empty basket ("Doctor Banner has a sweet tooth to rival yours, young master." "Captain Rogers prefers his toast white." "They took well to the souffle, young master!" "Master Odinson has requested a fire-cooked ham." "I need to shine Ms. Romanov's boots tonight." "The director approved of the velvet cake, young master!" "Mister Barton has asked us to prepare more of the broth." "The nerve of that Stark! My lord, he said right to my face, his computer does a better job than me- really! Me! One hell of a butler! The nerve!")

Since no one at HQ was even doing anything to dissuade Sebastian from his servile work, Ciel was sincerely beginning to wonder if the whole deal with Fury was simply a ploy to nab his butler from right under his nose. It didn't matter anymore; he was too invested in this project to back out now. He typed a few words in reply to Stark and pressed send. It would to him no good to argue with the man. Ciel was too old for such childish things anyway.

He put a hand over his stomach- strange, he was usually starving by this point in the day. Come to think of it, the boy hadn't been feeling particularly thirsty over the past few days either. But he had been feeling something- restlessness, that was it. Ciel felt cramped in and the feeling was itching at him from the inside. He knew this feeling- it was one that had come at him periodically for two centuries.

_It’s time already?_

He grinned, a less than divine glint in the half-imp’s eyes.

* * *

“You wanted to consume the soul of a young child?” the thunder god asked _again_ , tone just as appalled as the first time.

“I wanted nothing more,” Sebastian answered honestly, carving the rest of Thor’s ham. The son of Odin had wanted to gnaw at it himself, but really, Sebastian could never stoop to letting those he served doing something as undignified as _that_.

“But I will admit it was the worst mistake of my long life.”

“So you admit to the error of your ways?”

“No, only because I ended up tethered to him.”

“Fiend!”

The argument stopped when the ham was finished. Sebastian stepped to the side as Thor consumed his lunch. He mentally went through the tasks at hand: polish Hawkeye’s arrows, bring Thor’s requested ham, clean the air ducts in the building, transcribe the Black Widow’s memos, wax Captain America’s shield, do the Falcon’s laundry, prepare Dr. Banner’s requested desserts.

He had done all of the above. He just needed to deliver said desserts. He would have to as soon as the Norseman finished his meal.

“Tailcoat,” Fury’s voice said from the ceilings, “I need to see you.”

It took a lot of willpower not to wince at the name. Sebastian supposed it was better than being named after a dog for a second time. With a sigh and a weary farewell to the thunder god, the demon made his way to Fury’s office, having grown used to these summons. He was also growing used to the novelty of the various robotics and cameras following his every move. These things always grew stale once one becomes used to them. At least Fury’s avengers seemed to actually appreciate the butler’s efforts- which is a lot more than the young master ever did.

“Director,” he addressed upon entering the lit corridor (far too steely for his tastes- a carpet would have helped lighten the mood).

“Your little servant’s game a bit outdated at this point,” the director said, approaching from a series of sliding doors, “I think it’s time we get some real work done.”

“Real work?”

“Come with me.”

Sebastian had to admit, Fury had a way about him that resembled the young master. Steadfast, arrogant, and sure of his goals. So begrudgingly, the demon let the man talk down to him. That was another thing he had gotten used to over the past centuries.

When they arrived at the designated area, Fury gestured at a glass case, and behind that case was an invisible mannequin and on that mannequin was-

“Your new uniform, Tailcoat. It’s a precise one so don’t go shapeshifting on us.”

* * *

“Don’t bother with dinner,” Ciel informed Sebastian from his place on the armchair.

The older demon had finally returned, carrying a wrapped suit with care. Ciel wouldn’t be surprised if Fury had asked him to iron a tux. The imp flipped through the rest of the day’s paper. Stocks in China were rising, so Liu’s report had been accurate. Stark Industries was already hinting at the development of the Fun Gun, guaranteed to protect your children and let them have fun too. It was a far cry from Ciel’s military plans, but he was past complaining now.

Besides, the growing strength was gnawing at his insides. He could even see the grey tinge in his nails. Only a few more hours now.

“Oh, Sebastian, your arch-nemesis escaped from jail again.”

“Who?”

“Don’t you remember? The metal bloke or whatever.”

“Oh, him. I don’t recall ever becoming his nemesis, as you put it, young master.”

“It wasn’t you. He decided that himself. I can’t believe you don’t remember- he thrashed you bloody well last time.”

At that, Sebastian laughed. “I remember it being the other way around.”

Ciel smirked. “Well, humans are arrogant. You and I should know.”

He turned back to the paper. Some kind of slime monster had tried to eat Queens the other day- he supposed that was why Sebastian needed to clean Barton’s arrows. There was something about a drug ring that Romanov busted with the help of the Metropolitan police, though Ciel thought she could have done it single-handedly. There were some articles about the spider fellow and Captain Rogers himself wrote a passionate column about why children should be vaccinated.

He was about to share another wry comment with Sebastian when the flatscreen turned on of its own accord. Ciel started. Even his butler was thrown.

“-gawa, live from—square-“

The audio was distorted from the images at hand. Ciel saw the reporter taking cover from a barrage of flying cars. He recognized a yellow cab and Times Square. And in the middle of all the ruckus was- bloody hell- metal man, in a suit four times the size of his last one and ten times as garish (were those spikes? Really!?).

And standing on top of one the square’s many billboards was that green villain from a few years back. Wasn’t he the other-

“People of New York!” he declared, “it is indeed the return of I-“

“Loki,” Ciel said, recalling the name at last, “how many times has he returned?”

“Only now, young master,” Sebastian said, “but it does feel like he’s been back many times more. Hm.”

The phone rang, interrupting Ciel’s comment yet again. The butler picked it up and Ciel heard Fury’s voice on the other line.

“Put on the suit, Tailcoat. MetalMuncher’s your call.”

The line went dead and Sebastian hung up.

“You heard him,” Ciel said with a yawn, “go save the day, _Tailcoat_.”

* * *

Back in the day, Sebastian made it a habit to show up at the last minute. He thought it added more drama to the situation. And the truth was, he planned to do the same now. But a call from Romanov (“hurry up, Tailcoat!”) dashed those plans.

The new tailcoat was tight-fitting, made of a dark leathery material that was simultaneously flexible and tough. It lacked the pockets in his standard uniform, but it made up for it with a flap that clung to the suit, one that could be lifted and sealed. It had an impressive amount of storage room for his silverware. Even the black button-up that came with it felt of a better material than the Phantomhive suit. He was, however, forced to give up the dressing shoes for a pair of clinging boots (lacking heels…), and at the young master’s insistence, added a black domino the wardrobe. The Phantomhive livery miraculously remained.

It had taken him less than five minutes to don the suit and arrive at MetalMuncher’s scene. He had to admit, it was impressively more chaotic than the last encounter at the Metro. Cars were flying and metal was being thrown all over the city. Not to mention the charged blasts and Gatling bullets coming left and right.

It was no feat of logic to assume that MetalMuncher’s greatest upgrades came from Loki, the god of mischief. It was a fun plan, Sebastian admitted; the human would distract everyone while Loki worked on his main goals in the background. If it wasn’t for the contract with SHIELD, the demon might have applauded Loki’s sense of humor.

No matter. That wasn’t his target.

“Well, well, what have we here?” Sebastian called, walking towards MetalMuncher, arms outstretched.

The young master would no doubt be watching, so there was no reason not to make this as entertaining as possible.

“Help us!” some unfortunate onlooker screamed, a sentiment that was soon echoed by the rest of the collateral crowd.

“ _You_! I knew you’d come,” MetalMuncher growled, sneering from his place in the suit.

So the domino did nothing to hide his identity. Go figure.

“I am one hell of a butler, after all.”

A bright yellow cab was thrown his way, the driver screeching inside. The demon leaned back on his heels, catching the car in his way. With a bright smile, he set it on the ground, the driver too shaken to speak.

MetalMuncher roared, rushing forward, cars in tow. Sebastian had no trouble catching each and every one, leaving gloved imprints on the metal. He jumped, narrowly avoiding a blast that didn’t leave a singe on the tails. _Maybe this uniform isn’t so bad_.

MetalMuncher struck out again, leaving an irreparable hole in the ground, but the demon had scampered out of the way, again, and again, and again. A roundhouse kick sent his opponent skidding back a good number of yards.

“You’re dead this time, butler! You hear me! Dead!”

“Actually, the name is Tailcoat now!”

Sebastian laughed, a blast from MetalMuncher throwing him through the nearest building. He came out of the rubble with a toothy grin. This time, MetalMuncher tossed a truck his way. Sebastian stumbled, catching the front with his hands, and tossing it straight back at the man.

An explosion followed the debris. His suit now heated to an iron red, MetalMuncher leaped towards his opponent, cursing incoherently. The metal arms closed around the demon and smashed him into the ground. The distinct popping of bones and snapping of ribs sounded in Sebastian’s ears. And yet the tailcoat remained in one piece. _Brilliant._

But the beating that followed was the most mundane, longest waste of time Sebastian had ever endured. He supposed he could only blame himself for humoring the human. MetalMuncher tossed him up and down, left and right, sideways, rightside up, at a rapid inhuman pace, meeting the demon’s skull with punch after punch after crack and snap.

Before MetalMuncher could blast the rest of Sebastian’s ruined face in, the butler chuckled and dove headfirst out of his grip, straight into the barrow. He landed on all fours after tearing a hole in it. MetalMuncher stumbled for balance, the domino now a ruined piece of bloodied cloth in the air.

 _Ah, we’re on television, aren’t we?_ With a smirk, the demon ran a hand over his face, willing the cuts and swells away. He couldn’t do anything about the blood on his person, but the young master would find it a more heroic flare hopefully.

As MetalMuncher fell, he sent a barrage of haywired bullets Sebastian’s way.

“Look out!” the cabdriver shouted, having regained his wits at last.

The demon returned the barrage with several flashes of his kitchenware. Each bullet glance off a knife, and each knife struck a spot in the ground. Catching the bullets between each finger and in his teeth, Sebastian flew at MetalMuncher and shot them back.

The suit now so dented it couldn’t hold MetalMuncher’s weight, the man was too slow to avoid a punch to the jaw. Sebastian kicked the suit down and jumped atop its chest.

“Now, don’t you owe the people an apology?” he asked with mock politeness.

* * *

“In an exciting turn of events,” the reporter rambled, clearly out of breath, “a new face has come to our rescue.”

Ciel fidgeted with the goggles on his head. Sebastian put on quite the show. He wasn’t quite sure how he would top Tailcoat, but as the other demon’s master, he had to somehow.

“Tailcoat!” the crowd on television chanted, “Tailcoat! Tailcoat!”

Of course, Sebastian delighted in the attention and indulged in the chanting. Or from what Ciel could see of it anyway. The Avengers had arrived in the middle of his fight with MetalMuncher and were now hot on Loki’s pursuit. That was the story the news was mainly focused on. But Sebastian was so self-absorbed he probably didn’t notice.

MetalMuncher was a beaten mess being hauled away by authorities. He was somewhere between begging Loki for help and damning Sebastian to hell. Loki was busy hopping between buildings and charging that scepter at any avenger that came his way.

One blast sent Ironman tumbling the other way (Ciel snorted). But Loki’s victory was short-lived when Hawkeye’s arrow struck him in the shoulder, not that it had any effect. It was, however, useful enough to give Thor a clear swing at his brother.

On groundlevel, the rest of them were busy fighting zombies(?), or at the very least, bluish aliens. The Hulk was smashing opponents left and right.

“Jesse, can you get a clear view, what’s happening there?” the reporter asked.

The man named Jess quickly responded, “I can’t tell, but it looks like Tailcoat is trying to feed the Hulk!”

_What?_

“What?”

Ciel covered his eyes in mortification. Tailcoat had indeed run up to the Hulk, holding a basket that he had seemingly procured out of nowhere. The butler appeared to be listing the items inside it, producing perfect cakes on a plate, one by one. And he was trying to feed the Hulk with a fork.

* * *

“Good, it’s good!” Banner all but growled, “go! That way!”

“But doctor, there’s one more-“

“Tailcoat, stop that! It’s embarrassing!” Stark called from his place in the sky.

Sighing, Sebastian tossed the basket aside. Well, he would just have to take orders now. So the other way he went, catching a glimpse of Romanov delivering a fierce kick to the mischief god’s minions.

“Tailcoat,” Captain America called, “we’re fine. Go help the others!”

Sebastian turned.

“Fiend in tails, we can manage!” Thor called back, “go help our friends below!”

Sebastian turned again.

“That way!” the Hulk ordered.

Sebastian turned _again_.

“You!” Loki cried, swooping down from his place on the buildings, “over here!”

Well, it was clearer than what the rest of them were saying. Sebastian followed him over several damaged signs and overturned cars, much to the protest of Stark and company.

Eventually, he had Loki cornered on a theatre rooftop, or was it the other way around? The fatigued god held out a hand.

“We do not have much time,” Loki said, staring him straight in the eyes, “I know you and them are nothing alike.”

“As expected of a god,” Sebastian said humbly, ready to bow.

“Whatever hold they have over you, creature of the depths, I can break it. Come with me and this-“ he pointed at the sky “will all be ours!”

“Don’t listen to him, Tailcoat!” Rogers’ approaching voice cried.

“There’s no need to tempt me. I would have joined simply for the sake of being with you. Your wrath and resolve, all these conflicts and ambitions are enough to entice me into your service.”

“What the hell, Tailcoat!?” Stark’s voice.

Loki grinned, ready to grab his hand and make their pact. Sebastian pulled his own hand back.

“But that would have been another life. You may understand one day. You age much slower than I… there’s a certain point where it all begins to bore you. And I suppose I’m tethered to this realm because-“

He turned his eyes toward the ground, ignoring the bewildered looks on Romanov and Barton. Behind them, a small figure was tearing through Loki’s creatures, ripping with raw strength, a short blue cape trailing in his bloody wake. _Ah, my lord._

“- there is someone here who drives me on.”

“You, of all people have no right to give speeches on righteousness!” the imp shouted from below, the flash of goggles covering his contract mark, dark hair stained with blood.

Loki was about to reply when Thor’s body slammed into him. Sebastian jumped down to join his master.

* * *

Ciel tore through everything in his way, knocking debris aside, kicking and scratching and clawing at every obstacle. Innards fell apart in his black nails, metallic bones crunched under his boots, a sharp grin gnashed inside his mouth. Violet blood splattered all over him.

He missed days like these. Not since the 1890s had he gone on such a spree. The little costume he had fashioned also proved resilient against every punch and claw that came his way. Red eyes shone and burned. He had to unleash all this power somehow, and what better way than here? The blue things came in swarms, but they were no match for the restless imp.

Besides, his demon had been so proud of him. No reason to disappoint Sebastian.

“Is that all?” Ciel challenged the swarm.

He knew he was being rugged and beastly, but it was the gentleman inside that counted, that was his motto. So the imp’s teeth tore at his enemies, spitting and swallowing blood in turn. The things cried out in pain as he slashed through them, punching limbs through torsos and splitting hearts as he dashed forward.

As the last of the creatures fell, Ciel stumbled with a wild smirk. Sebastian had dropped by his side in time to catch the imp.

“And what have we here, my lord?” the older demon asked.

_Tell me, what is your name?_

“The Avenging Earl,” Ciel replied.

_My name… Ciel, Ciel Phantomhive._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and as always, comments/kudos are more than welcome! And feel free to leave suggestions for the last chapter. 
> 
> @Kimberly T: I'll post an illustration of both Ciel and Sebastian in their new costumes next time for you :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! Here's the final chapter of this crack crossover. I hope it was worth the wait. I've also included a sketch of the Avenging Earl and Tailcoat (for you, Kimberly T!) 
> 
> People go to jail, Ciel and Sebastian continue to embarrass themselves, Fury regrets everything, and there's a "meta" parody in there somewhere *winks*

“The avenging earl?” Barton repeated, stifling a laugh, “you’re over two hundred years old and that’s what you come up? Props to you.”

Ciel stuck up his chin, casting Hawkeye a look of disdain. He worked very hard on that name, thank you very much. The Avenging Earl looked back at his own gloves, covered in slick blood. It didn’t smell as enticing as human blood, but for a starving imp, the gore covering his person was absolutely delicious.

“His name’s Ciel Phantomhive- what kind of name did you expect he’d use?” Stark added, the iron mask retracting from his face.

The rest of the Avengers gathered in the center of the ruined plaza, debris and broken metal swirling all around, the ground dyed purple with the blood of Loki’s minions, buildings torn and scorched, and corpses littered all around. Sebastian stooped behind Ciel, running his fingers through the imp’s hair in an effort to get out the blood. Ciel swatted his hand away.

The Avenging Earl and Tailcoat. An odd pair since 1886.

Thor stared awkwardly around, as if waiting for the chance to speak. A battered Loki was swung over one shoulder, glaring daggers at master and butler.

“Traitor,” he hissed at Sebastian.

“Just one hell of a butler,” the demon returned with a shrug. I hate that bloody pun.

“Well, I best bring him back to Asgard. Congratulations on your victory, tiny one,” the thunder god said, twirling mjolnir in one hand, and adjusting his groaning brother’s form in the other.

“It’s the Avenging Earl,” Ciel corrected. Maybe he should have gone with The Watchdog instead…

“Whatever you say, tiny one,” Thor laughed, oblivious to the venom in the imp’s voice, and in a blast of wind, he was gone.

Rogers rubbed his eyes. “Wait, did he just get out of clean-up duty?”

The Hulk grunted. “Yes.”

Clean-up duty? Ciel lifted his goggles. Well, there was quite a lot of collateral damage, mostly caused by MetalMuncher and Loki. The rest of it was caused by Ciel’s little rampage, but he’d never admit that. Romanov placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Nice costume,” she said, genuinely impressed.

“Thank you.”

“To get all that blood off, you’re going to need extra detergent. They say black doesn’t stain, but trust me, it does.”

“Then what should I use?”

Before Black Widow could answer, their fascinating conversation was cut short by the arrival of a black helicopter, property of S.H.I.E.L.D. Ciel’s cape fluttered against the swirling wind of the chopper, and for a moment, it reminded him of a cloak in London. Ah, those were the days-

Street rats and sewage and people trying to kidnap him at every corner. Nevermind. Those weren’t exactly the days. But Ciel was an ‘89 kid through and through, 1889 that was.

“Tailcoat, you’re a real theatre man, aren’t you?” came the director’s snarky voice. Fury stepped out of the chopper, hands clasped behind his back.

“I try my best,” Sebastian said with a smirk.

“And you, Mr. Phantomhive-”

“The Avenging Earl,” Ciel corrected.

Fury raised a brow at the name, but didn’t comment. “Avenging Earl, you did quite an impressive number today. It was a surprise.”

“Director-”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Earl. I said it was impressive, I didn’t say it was perfect. Same goes for you, Tailcoat.” Fury gestured at the mess of Times Square that was left as the two demons stared on cluelessly. “Defeating the enemy is one thing- destroying the city so drastically is another.”

“Oh please,” Ciel retorted, “your team does it all the time!”

“You tore through a building to get at the creatures when you could have just as easily fought them in the street.”

Well, that was true. Ciel growled.

“And Tailcoat, you never put out the fires your fight with MetalMuncher caused.” Fury pointed behind them, where a team of firefighters were dousing a wall of flames with water. “In fact, I think you made the fires worse.”

“I am-”

“If you say you’re just one hell of a butler, I’m going to hit you. I’m not kidding.”

Ciel tapped his foot. Was there a point to this lecture? “And your verdict, director?”

“The two of you are in sore need of an ethics lesson.”

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Sebastian said, but Fury cut him off again.

“But before that, Tailcoat, let me remind you that you are not a butler on the field. Chasing Banner with cake- if that doesn’t go viral within the hour, I don’t know what will.” Fury shook his head from secondhand embarrassment. “So I suggest you two help clean up the damage- then we’ll discuss these ethics. Until you get that through your heads, you’re removed from the field. Go back to Fun Works and domestic servitude.”

 _But I just got on the field!_ Ciel’s eyes flashed red.

“Tsk! I say you should be thankful for what we did.”

“I’ll be even more thankful if we get the city repaired by the end of the month.”

“Nevermind that.” Ciel turned to glare at Sebastian. “Tailcoat, this is an order. Clean up the plaza and repair the city.”

“Certainly, my lord.” And with that, the older demon went on to single-handedly repair the plaza, often with a wave of the hand. Though Ciel suspected he mostly did it for the reporters and cameras around him- Sebastian lived on attention. Ciel and Fury would soon discover that attention loved Sebastian too.

Of all the footage and photos snapped that day, Tailcoat was the most photogenic and the only one willing to answer every single question, though his answers were roundabout and pun-filled. While Sebastian bathed Ciel that night, Fury and the Avengers having dismissed them at last after that “ethics” lecture and an unnecessary checkup at S.H.I.E.L.D’s infirmary, the flat screen in the bathroom was locked on international news.

The Avengers’ newest battle was a repeated headline, and clips of Sebastian’s smiling face kept recurring. Ciel himself made an appearance too, as he ripped those monsters apart with his bare hands. But of course the camera froze on an image of the Avenging Earl half-pouting up at Tailcoat.

“And what an adorable new hero this is,” Jenn the anchor laughed.

“Feisty little guy,” Tom the co-anchor agreed. Ciel could only gape in rage as Sebastian doubled over behind him.

“Shut up and massage my scalp!” he snapped.

“Of course, young master.”

According to the report, the criminal known as Loki was taken into custody again and victims of the attack were on their way to a swift recovery. The cab driver Tailcoat had saved earlier was much chattier for the news crew.

“-my life, just ya know, flashed! If the Avengers never been there, I don’t know what would have- I have two kids, and oh my- Tailcoat, if you’re watching, thank you, thank you so much. I can never repay you. How ‘bout a free ride? I’ll never make fun of Brits again, not long as I live-”

MetalMuncher was on his way to a maximum security prison, his suit stripped away and looking far less intimidating but equally ridiculous in an orange jumpsuit. “Tailcoat, if you’re listening, I’ll be back. Just try and stop me then! I swear I’ll tear you apart limb from limb- I’ll crush everything you love and I’ll pound your face in so bad your own mother won’t recognize you! This isn’t over. When you’re making tea in Downton Abbey, you better remember me, you better remember MetalMuncher!”

“My, he can talk,” Sebastian said, shaking his head. Ciel agreed.

When Tailcoat was on screen, allowing the female reporter to actually touch his tailcoat and both looking way too happy about it in Ciel’s opinion, he was no less embarrassing than MetalMuncher:

“Well, I do live to serve. What kind of servant would I be if I stood by and let that maniac ravage the city? A man who goes about harming children and civilians- that simply offends my aesthetics.”

“Oh? Yes, I was trying to feed the Hulk. A butler always follows his orders to the core!”

“How would I describe myself? Ah, there’s not much to say- I am but a humble servant. Though I suppose you could say… I am simply one hell of a butler.”

Then Fury overtook the screen after Rogers and Stark sent out their message about peace and recovery and blah blah:

“Yes, Tailcoat and the Avenging Earl are my newest recruits. In time, I trust they’ll be just as valuable to your protection as the rest of the team. But you won’t be seeing them for a while; our butler and master have some more _training_ to do. They’re not Avengers yet. And that’s all I have to say on it-”

Ciel looked away from the screen at last. “Did Fury just decommission us in public!?”

“It would appear so, young master.”

“ _He’s_ the one who came to us in the first place!”

“That is true.”

“He practically coerced us into this!”

“Technically-”

“He can’t do this to me!”

“My lord-”

“I had more to show the world! The Avenging Earl’s story doesn’t end here!”

“Calm down, young master-”

Ciel splashed water onto Sebastian’s face. Some things never change.

* * *

Miraculously, the Fun Gun actually sold. Toys R’ Us planned to use it as a comeback and the National Arms Association took a great interest in investing. This was all good news for both Fun Works and Stark Industries. It almost made Ciel forget Stark was an arrogant brat and he nearly said “yes” when Tony invited him over for a victory drink.

Then he remembered he couldn’t drink while he was still a demon (and he was underage as a human, not that age had ever stopped him but Stark didn’t know that). He respectfully declined Stark, but thanked him for the offer. At the end of their email exchange, Stark had left Ciel with a final warning: “kid, whatever you do, don’t google yourself.”

So of course, Ciel googled himself, or rather, the “Avenging Earl.” He didn’t see anything alarming, only news articles and some wikis here and there, maybe video and the occasional boring forum. Around the 48th page, he found cause for Stark’s warning.

_RPF: The Avengers/SHIELD_

He had no idea what RPF stood for, but this site looked entertaining enough. Entertainment soon turned to regret. What was he looking at? Was this a tabloid on the Avengers? Slander? Did Fury know?

RPF stood for Real Person Fanfiction, apparently. Ciel put two and two together and assumed it meant fiction written by fans for existing… people? Well, that would explain why he just read a racy article about Captain America pounding his super sperm into Loki of all people. It was actually really hilarious- the Hulk and Ironman engaging in a romance, Hawkeye and Fury making love on the chopper, Romanov sleeping with Banner and Rogers at the same time, Loki becoming a stripper, Thor and Loki playing video games, Thor making love with Loki, Rogers pining after a comrade, and so on. Some made the imp’s sides hurt and he was wheezing by the time he was done.

Then he noticed the character box. To his surprise, Tailcoat and the Avenging Earl had been added to the list, along with MetalMuncher. _Hm_.

“MetalMuncher’s back and ready for revenge. Tailcoat never saw it coming. MetalCoat, rated M, noncon,” Ciel read aloud, a little uncomfortable. What was this supposed to mean?

And he was back to laughing as he imagined the Sebastian he knew in the story. He scrolled past another ten “MetalCoat” stories (at least!), all about MetalMuncher learning to love his arch-nemesis or sexually assaulting Sebastian in some way. As if that could actually happen in real life. There was one surprisingly good story about the origins of MetalMuncher (named Dave) and Tailcoat (named Seth for some reason), filled with drama, angst, and an intertwining of tragic pasts. But it was still way too far from the truth- Ciel could never imagine Sebastian being part of a chain gang.

Tailcoat was quite popular for these people, Ciel learned. Sebastian gave blowjobs to every Avenger, including Romanov and had been taken to bed by every single one of them too. Loki/Tailcoat was another popular pairing, Ciel found out, and it often clashed with MetalCoat. One had Sebastian join Loki and wipe out the Avengers- it was a popular story, though Tailcoat’s moral concerns and dilemmas were hilariously _far_ from the truth.

“The Avenging Earl is growing up and feeling wretched hormones. Captain America sees and takes pity on the teen. Hardcore.”

Now Ciel understood why Stark had warned him. The Avenging Earl was no safer than Tailcoat when it came to these stories, but still Ciel read on, some masochistic urge probing him on. The Avenging Earl had slept with every member of S.H.I.E.L.D too and was often on the receiving end of either Stark or Roger or Sebastian’s member. One particularly disgusting story had the Earl kidnapped and repeatedly tortured by the team’s enemies. It hit a little too close to home for comfort- Ciel only skimmed the summary of that one.

It might be somewhat hypocritical if he found stories that tormented Tailcoat so funny but ones that did so for the Avenging Earl so… insulting. That, and Ciel found himself characterized as some cutesy spitfire so innocent he might as well have been eight. Then again, these people didn’t know how old he actually was.

And of course EarlCoat went head to head with LokiCoat and MetalCoat. Apparently the Avenging Earl was some beam of innocence in the heroic Tailcoat’s otherwise empty life, thus making their pairing healthier and more accurate than the other two could possibly be (with the counterargument being the age difference). Ciel snorted- in his opinion, LokiCoat was the only one that made sense.

“Lord Marchford’s butler takes in a young orphan in the winter of 1889. Victorian AU.” That one, Ciel rather enjoyed- no “shipping” and it was nice to see his own time again, as inaccurate as it was. He was never that docile or stupid a child and Sebastian was never that sentimental. Plus it should have been Lord Midford…

But the final straw was when he found a whole sequence of stories that brutally killed off the Avenging Earl, most of which involving MetalMuncher torturing Tailcoat half to death and then killing his precious little master to break him further. Then another twenty or so chapters about MetalMuncher subjecting Tailcoat to a variety of physical and sexual abuse. It usually ended with Rogers or Thor or Loki coming to the rescue and then taking Tailcoat to bed. Except for one that ended with Tailcoat falling for MetalMuncher.

Ciel left a review: “What did I just bloody read? That bastard killed the Avenging Earl. Let me repeat. He killed the Avenging Earl!”

And then he came across a story that was chillingly accurate. It was an “AU” where the Avenging Earl was the heir to a prominent English family in the late 1800s until they were wiped out and he was sold to a cult. He then made a pact with a demon, who later became his butler. Ciel’s worries went away when he realized this really was just someone’s (accurate) imagination. The penname was Y.Tobo.

But the reviews made him shut the window in rage. They were of this variety: “Ok, this is interesting but it’s way too ooc.” “The Avenging Earl doesn’t act like that!” “I really can’t see Tailcoat as a demon from hell.”

He replied the last of Stark’s emails: “I should have listened to you. I will never google myself again.”

* * *

“There is a child stuck in a burning brownstone,” Rogers said from across the table, taking this far too seriously for Sebastian’s taste, “a gang war is taking over the street. Fire is on the other. What do you do?”

Banner had enjoyed the desserts Sebastian prepared on the battlefield and secretly ordered a new batch from the demon butler the previous night. And to be honest, Sebastian was equally eager to return to his baking. But here he was, stuck through another hour of this lecture.

“It’s simple, Captain Rogers. I take the child and approach the street. We then make a turn for the fire. The gang will surely follow, depending on how base their instincts are, and perish in the flames. I will then continue walking until the flames are behind us. My tailcoat should be sufficient protection for the child.”

The demon beamed, proud of his solution. Rogers, on the other hand, looked aghast.

“Sebastian, you just told me you’re willing to force a child to walk through fire with you so you can burn people alive.”

“Is there a problem, captain?”

Rogers sighed, putting a palm to his head. “Okay, let’s try a different approach. How would you get that child to safety without letting anyone else die?”

“I suppose I could take care of the gang first and then rescue the child. It should be done in no less than two minutes.”

“At least we’re getting somewhere. So how would you take care of the gang? And assume the child doesn’t have two minutes?”

“As I always do- with a combination of silverware, combat, and quick wits. In the case of the burning fire, I would rescue the child first and keep it with me as I dispose of the gang.”

“And that’s two steps back.” Rogers didn’t seem pleased with the response. “Unless absolutely necessary, we don’t encourage putting victims in danger like that.”

This was too much. Trying to keep the polite facade up, Sebastian held back his sigh. He wasn’t allowed to burn the gang and he wasn’t allowed to take the child into the fight either. Now, this was a ridiculous situation.

“Then what should I do, captain? Put out the fire on the street somehow, which I can by the way, and then rescue the child? Do I leave the gang be?”

“Yes, the child should be your priority. Good job, Tailcoat. But it might take too long to put out that fire.”

“I respectfully disagree.”

“Your reason?”

“Because you see-”

“Please don’t say it-” Rogers muttered, but it was too late by then.

“I am one hell of a butler.”

X

Slowly, but surely, life went back to normal for Ciel Phantomhive and his butler, or as normal as could be. The young master seemed to lose his obsession with S.H.I.E.L.D and the Avenging Earl’s costume was relegated to the imp’s walk-in closet, as was the older demon’s newest tailcoat.

Fun Works and its business shares soon became the center of their lives once more. With the stock market to worry about and hundreds of emails from Liu and Tanaka to reply, Ciel had little time to mull over souls. For his part, Sebastian continued to attend Rogers’ lectures and his other duties as a butler. Even Romanov and Barton had begun ordering desserts from him at that point.

Ethics worksheets were also a priority for the two. Ciel failed his homework the first time around by saying collateral damage was a terrible thing because it heavily affected Wallstreet stock markets. Sebastian would have found the whole thing terribly funny if not for that fact that he was given the same assignments (albeit verbally).

Perhaps time _had_ moved on. It was no longer the nineteenth century and the Queen’s watchdog was no more. Perhaps it was time for Ciel and his butler to move on. Their time had come and gone. Or those were the young master’s words at least when he discussed the matter with Sebastian.

“We’re resigning. I don’t have time for Fury’s games,” the imp had grumbled, splayed on the couch.

“I recall you being rather enthused about it, young master.”

“That was in the past. Something once lost can never be returned.”

“It was two weeks ago, my lord.”

“Two weeks is like two hundred years for someone like me.”

“I think it should be the opposite-”

“Just do it, Sebastian!”

And so, the demon had dropped off Ciel’s letter of resignation at S.H.I.E.L.D’s headquarters after delivering his obligatory round of food and clothing for the Avengers. He supposed Fury would be glad to be rid of them- Sebastian had long since given up on trying to read the man.

“I’ll miss having a butler,” Banner had told him upon hearing the news, in a surprisingly warm and sentimental tone.

“Can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ll miss the brat,” Stark had said before shaking hands.

“I do hope you’ll reconsider,” Romanov had said from her place inside the rec room.

“Yes, I suppose you will have to return to the nether realms some day,” Thor told him, even though Sebastian didn’t say a word about hell.

“Leaving already? I was just getting used to you,” Barton had said, grinning at him for the first time.

And of course, Captain Rogers had to play the nice fellow and take Sebastian aside for his final words. It was a strange, warm exchange (not that the demon would ever admit it) and to be perfectly honest, awfully familiar. For lack of better word, as different as the two were, Rogers reminded him of a man named Agni…

“Tell the ‘Avenging Earl’ he has a charming smile,” Rogers said. He chuckled. “He’s not a bad actor, not bad at all.”

“Pardon?” That was not a reaction Sebastian had expected.

“I’m not really his hero, I know that. He has over fifty years on me at least. But I’m not as young as I look either.”

“So you were humoring my master, captain?” Oh, the young master would not take this news well- Sebastian was already feeling some form of secondhand humiliation for the imp (in other words, he loved every second of that conversation).

“No, I was just trying to make friends.” Rogers held out a hand to shake one last time. “Everyone deserves a second chance, even Mr. Phantomhive. You let him know that, that’s an order.”

“I shall, Captain Rogers.” Sebastian shook it, wondering if he had misjudged the imp. Was Ciel really doing this in some sad form of a redemption attempt? Or was he just childish and bored?

Knowing his master, Sebastian reckoned it was both (moreso the latter).

* * *

Ciel had cut all ties with S.H.I.E.L.D indefinitely and he was just fine with returning to his business. The deadline to his powers was almost up and as much as he would miss the thrill of hellish energy, he also couldn’t wait to taste chocolate again. Plus, it was more convenient to have Sebastian serve him and only him, as it should be.

He mused over all this for the upteenth time as he stuck a pen behind his ear, no sound save the soft humming of the air ventilation in his study. Sticky notes dominated his table and the computer was locked on the stock site (the RPF site having been blocked permanently). The flatscreen on his wall was set to the local news with Jenn and James.

And Sebastian was busy wiping the windows behind him. Yes, all was back to normal.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

In Ciel’s case, this would be a third chance. He’d cheated death twice- maybe there was a reason behind it… He shook his head; ugh, sentimentality did not suit him.

“ _Again_!?”

Ciel looked up. Sebastian had uttered the phrase, violating decorum, and now the butler was glaring at the television. The imp sighed.

MetalMuncher had escaped from prison and was now on his way to ravage New York. _Again_. Ciel didn’t know what to say- of all the creatures Sebastian had fought, this idiot took the place of arch-nemesis. With the tabloid and the media zoning in all the time, Ciel wondered if Sebastian himself was starting to believe it too.

“Tailcoat!” the muffled voice said on screen, “come out and face me! We’ll see how great those tails are now, HA! I’ll take them and shove them up your-”

On the corner of the report was a familiar figure. Ciel wasn’t sure if it was the trick of the eye- a youth in a tight tux, curly brown hair, yellow green eyes framed by flashing glasses.

“Grim reaper,” he muttered. He hadn’t seen one of those since the last War. Either massive death was about to happen or just one- and it struck the imp. If those grim reapers still did their jobs in this century, then Earl Phantomhive could too.

What was stopping him?

The screen flashed black and Fury’s shadowed face appeared, looking far too smug. “Your move, Tailcoat.” He nodded. “Avenging Earl.”

“I resigned!” Ciel called, unsure if the director could hear him or not.

“Did you, now?”

Well, Fury had him beat. Ciel was going back into the game. Without a word, the imp jumped out of his seat and landed on the table. Watching Sebastian’s eyes widen, Ciel ripped off his own business suit, revealing the Avenging Earl’s final costume.

“Sebastian, fetch my cape!” He reached into the drawer and pulled out the Earl’s goggles.

“Young master, you were wearing that the whole day? When-”

“Don’t question me, Sebastian!” Ciel turned, pulling the goggles over his eyes. “Are you going to stand there and let MetalMuncher run amok? Is Tailcoat backing out of a fight?!”

That hit a nerve. Ciel almost heard the older demon gasp. He felt the cape around his shoulders. Sebastian was beside him in an instant, uniform replaced with the tailcoat.

“No, master.”

“Then come! The city needs us!”

“Yes, my lord!”

The Avenging Earl pushed open the windows and leapt out, Tailcoat at his heels, a flurry of sticky notes blowing into the yard. In the abandoned study, Fury scratched his head in the telescreen.

“What drama queens."

 

END

 

(@Kimberly T: Here's the sketch you wanted! I hope it's not too much below expectations, haha)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! As always, feel free to leave kudos/comments.
> 
> And so ends this fic. Again, sorry for the slow updates and I hope you found the last part as funny as the other chapters.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave kudos/comments. Hope that was as funny for you as it was for me.


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